Fragile

2011-05-03T04:58:00.000-07:00

Day two of being back to my ana best...

Although I planned to eat normally over the weekend, I still found myself subconsciously restricting and skipping meals where possible. I couldn't help myself!

I woke up bright eyed and bushy tailed yesterday, positively euphoric that my mind was made up and the soup diet could begin.
The boyfriend isn't happy about it, not one bit, but I have the perfect excuse - My sister's wedding in July, where I will be maid of honour. No one will think it odd that I'm crash dieting before then. After that - Well, we'll deal with it when the time comes..

I've got my bottle of water attached to my side, constantly sipping throughout the day to keep me feeling full. I've stocked up on my vitamins (Garlic, Cinnamon, zinc, iron, adios) and purged all the food from my flat. The only edibles left is soup, muesli, and some sweetcorn and baked beans if I have a really weak moment and need to eat something more substantial.

Today's intake so far - 1 Jacobs cracker, half a bowl of tomato soup. Water, black coffee.
Planned intake for the rest of the day - Half a bowl of chicken soup.
Total cals - 498.

Boooo. That's much too close to 500 for my liking. However, I know it will get easier as my stomach shrinks again and I must remind myself that going straight back to 200 cals with mess up my metabolism.

Visiting a friend this afternoon, I'm hoping to get a good 2 hour session on her trampoline.

PS - If you want to view my daily food diary, search username Fragile_Dictator on myfitnesspal.com

2011-04-28T03:23:00.001-07:00

I’ve decided to go back on my soup diet and I am so super, super excited that I’m struggling to wait until Monday to start!

Nothing but low fat soup – I prefer chicken or tomato – diet coke, water and black coffee. If I’m really struggling, I will allow myself a small can of baked beans in replacement for the soup, to make me feel that little bit more full.

I’ve also bought some plain low fat crackers to keep in my desk at work – god love my colleagues, but they are terrible influences when it comes to weight loss. Our office seems to have a never ending supply of pastries, cookies, doughnuts, boxes of chocolates...At least if I have my crackers to hand, I can nibble on them to beat the temptation. I’ve also bought myself a box of the lower fat muesli – My general rule when I’m in “ana” mode is not to eat breakfast at all but I have to be honest with myself If I want to do this properly and succeed and that means acknowledging the fact that when I’m due on my period, I am a ravenous beast. At least if I have the muesli to hand I’ll be prepared and can have an (almost) guilt free breakfast to tide me other rather than ending up binging.

I am so god damn PSYCHED to have my head back in this place again. I’m ready, I’m positively chomping at the bit to start this up again.

I need to contain myself and make sure I do this properly. I’m getting extra prepared and I will not set myself up for a fail. I know that it’s best to wait and start on Monday, because I have too much planned socially over the next few days and there’s no way I would get away with not eating in front of certain friends (We have a four day weekend due to a bank holiday and royal wedding).

It further complicates matters that my boyfriend pretty much lives in my flat with me – although I haven’t been in ana mode over the past few months, old habits die hard and he’s questioned me over a few little things, such as my love of chugging black coffee before a meal or probably the rabbit in headlights look I must get when he suggests a takeaway after a night out.

I’ll have to be very very careful around him so as not to raise his suspicions.

Come Monday I will be posting every intake and outtake on www.myfitnesspal.com – A fantastic website that counts every calorie you put in and burn off and gives you your balance at the end of every day. Even better, it’s free! I’ll post the link to my personal diary nearer the time so you can all see where I’m at. The thought of you all seeing my current weight...*shudder*. I have allowed myself to swell up to beached whale proportions. However, exposing my shame and knowing that If I slip up people will know about it will just give me even more willpower.

Once I’m back in the game I’m aiming to start doing a few mini fasts – one or two days at a time – nothing but liquids (not including the soup).

One step at a time....

Dear "old" Emily, please come back soon..

2011-02-07T12:40:00.000-08:00

Where am I?

I'm still here.
I feel like I've gone away somewhere and now I'm lost.
I want "me" to come back,
Yet I've never really known who I am.

I haven't posted in ages.
Sometimes the thoughts are so scrambled in my head I can barely function, let alone making sense of them on a computer screen.

I'll be ready soon.

2010-10-13T12:03:00.000-07:00

I finally plucked up the courage to go to the Doctor's and ask for help with my depression..

Me: I was really nervous to come today. I'd really like some help, I've been struggling with depression for a while now.
Her: OK, let's have a look at your notes.
(Tapping away at computer, not bothering to look at me)
Her: So last January you were in hospital after cutting your wrists
Me: Yes..
(Still tapping away)
Her: And you received counselling this time last year for alcohol abuse
Me: Yes...
Her: And this time last year you...were admitted to an eating disorders unit??

THEN I SWEAR TO GOD THE BITCH LOOKED ME UP AND DOWN. As if to say, "You? Eating disorder? What was it, Binge eating?!!"

Bitch.

I asked for anti-depressants, she said no. I asked for something to help my Insomnia, she suggested a hot bath before bed. As if I haven't tried that and everything else.
Then she proceeded to quiz me to diagnose if I really had depression. Because, obviously, her little quiz will tell her more than I can.

Her: Do you ever feel hopeless?
Me: Yes.
Her: Do you have trouble sleeping?
Me: What? I just told you that. Yes!
Her: No need to get angry. Do you have trouble concentrating? Have you lost interest in day to day activities?
Me: Yes!
Her: Are you having problems at home or work?

...And so it went on, even though i had just spent half an hour before telling her everything about what is and what isn't wrong. In the end I started crying, even though I tried not to give the bitch the satisfaction. She just looked me up and down (again), passed me a tissue and said "Is that all?"

Yeah, that's all. Thanks a fucking bunch.

2010-09-23T05:09:00.001-07:00

Sitting in the dark, drinking black coffee, listening to "Creep" on repeat.

2010-09-21T02:07:00.000-07:00

Food. I open my eyes in the morning and I think of food.

I'm talking to my boss at work, I'm typing a letter, I'm serving a customer, I'm thinking of food. What will I eat today? What won't I eat today? I'm hungry. I'm disgusted at the thought. Do you want some breakfast? No thanks, I'm not hungry. Just black coffee please.

The boss comes back. She sits with her danish pastries and eats, without a care in the world. She doesn't notice my morbid fascination. How can she eat that? She is disgusting. But I'm jealous - why can't I eat that? No! Don't think like that! You don't want to be like them.

What will I eat for lunch? I don't think I should...Maybe just a bowl of soup. No, I can't - Leek and potato, far too much fat. Ok so black coffee and a fat free yogurt. Why do you always have a breakfast yogurt at Lunch?!! Shut up, mind your own business.

I get home. I'm hungry. I'm thinking what I can eat but I know the answer - nothing. I go through the same routine everyday. Open all the cupboards, look at the different foods, open up the fridge, scan it's contents - who am i kidding? I know I shouldn't be putting myself through this torture when I'm not allowed to eat. I drink water. I nibble an oatcake. I google random thoughts. I wait. I wait until dinner time.

Dinner time - I'm staying at my friends this week but if I wasn't here I would still be surrounded by family. What shall we have for dinner? Oh god, don't ask me that, don't make me choose. I know I have to eat with you, don't make me think too much about it, just make it and let me do it before I start to think. How about Pasta? Yes fine, pasta, and I'll pick out the bacon bits.

I prefer to work shifts. Wake up late, go to work, I have successfully skipped breakfast and lunch. Work, decline the offer of staff dinner "I'm too busy!", finish at ten, go home. Have you eaten dinner? Yes, I had staff food.

2010-09-17T12:07:00.000-07:00

www.myfitnesspal.com - THE BEST FREEKING WEBSITE EVER!

I am very excited to have come across this. Some where to log my intake and outake daily - and be able to look back on my progress! And it's free!!!

HOW did i not find this before? Excuse me while I lie down in a darkened room.

2010-09-17T10:26:00.000-07:00

..Quote of the week?

"I mean, I know lots of people who DO coke, but no one who actually drinks it".

Paha. It's funny cos it's true. Anyway, that's from the wonderful A-rexi-saurus and her blog. well worth checking out - http://arexisaurus.blogspot.com

By the way, I'm not a coke head. Not full time anyway. I just dabble now and again...But love to all the junkies out there.

2010-09-13T15:35:00.000-07:00

That nervous breakdown must be nearer than i thought,

I quit my job and bought a shit load of cocaine

I welcome you nervous breakdown, with open arms!!

Maybe then people will get the fuck off my back.

2010-09-13T03:24:00.001-07:00

I am surviving on 500 calories a day...usually less.

Does it make me odd that the idea of having a nervous breakdown is inviting?

2010-09-01T05:33:00.000-07:00

I am an obese, wobbly, gelatinous state of a human being.

This has to stop. I can't live my whole life starving and binging, being up and down in both my mood and my weight. I have to take control once and for all, and completely cut out all the crap. I know I have the willpower to starve and be skinny - I just need to stick to it!

I am training for a marathon in London this Sunday, so until then I have to eat moderately. Porridge and bananas, but after that NOTHING. Coffee, water, diet coke. If I must eat, Soup. Liquids only. I'm quite looking forward to it actually. Running a marathon - what a kick start, what an initiative to start starving again afterwards!!!

2010-08-28T14:44:00.001-07:00

I am the walrus.

2010-08-19T08:01:00.000-07:00

I am going for some spiritual healing for the first time next Wednesday, something I have always been intrigued with. I hope it helps. Maybe I'll finally feel a little more balanced within myself?

I have high hoped that this could be some sort of enlightenment for me, something that will open a few doors and help to show me the way. I hope I don't get let down..

2010-08-17T06:12:00.000-07:00

Who the fuck buys full fat milk?? Is this some kind of sick joke at my expense?

2010-08-04T05:13:00.000-07:00

I wonder, If I'm ever in recovery (not likely) and completely abundant of rexi ways, would I still be able to drink coffee? Or would the smell remind me of starving?

I binged on carrots last night and felt awful for it. Yesss. My fucked up ways are returning!

2010-07-28T05:15:00.000-07:00

Went to the supermarket yesterday to stock up on carrot sticks and oatcakes. The guy on the check-out looked at me like I'm insane but I don't give a shit.

I'm easing myself back in gently before I start having fasting days otherwise I just wouldn't be able to do it. I don't find it as easy as I used to and for that I am really mad at myself. I let myself get soft, both physically and mentally! I need to get back that steely determination. I need to get back my appetite for hunger.

I have also ordered some wrist weights online, which should be arriving in the next two days. They are discreet enough that I can wear them everyday under my work shirt. I'm really excited about them arriving. I also purchased a skipping rope yesterday. The idea is, I'll take it with me when I take the dog out for a walk/run, and fit in a little extra work out in the middle. Just push myself a little harder.

I have also started water loading. I was with a friend last night and we somehow got onto the subject of colonic irrigation. I tentatively told her about the salt water flush -making out I had never done it of course - and she wants to try it! We are going to do it on Sunday. She doesn't need to know that I've done it many times before.

That's true friendship right there -Planning a day of shitting out water together.

2010-07-26T04:16:00.001-07:00

Apologies from my lack of posting recently- as you can tell from my last post I was, er, in a bad mood shall we say!

I have since spent a week off work on holiday, with another week to go. I returned yesturday from a long weekend camping with friends, which was fantastic. It really was just what I needed. The only down side is the pictures that surfaced on facebook today. It appears that between being a depressed binge eater and having my jollies around the campfire with copious amounts of ber, I have ballooned. I am a whale. A whale with a fantastic tan, but none the less.

It's ok!!

It's not really, but I'm being calm about it. It's not undoable. I am back on the Black coffee / Soup / Water diet that I always revert to. The scales have had the dust blown off them. I am on my way back.

I wish I could say I had so much to report seeing as I haven't posted in a while but, alas, this is not the case.

2010-07-06T13:04:00.001-07:00

Oh, I seem to be depressed and suicidal again.

How fun.

2010-07-01T03:47:00.001-07:00

"Eating is for wimps!"

...Yeah. You didn't contribute to my fucked up eating at all, did you Mum?

2010-06-24T08:16:00.000-07:00

This glorious weather brings about quite the dilemma.
Do I peel off to reveal my beached whale like physique? A great tan is slimming but really, do I dare to bare the blubber?

I think I will have to remain unseasonably pale. I don't want to put the poor defenceless beach goers off their ice creams.

2010-06-20T12:33:00.000-07:00

Sundays make me eat. I know I am not the only one who has this problem.

I bet the suicide rate is much higher on Sundays.

2010-06-15T11:28:00.000-07:00

Following two weeks of feeling at an all time low, my mood has once again taken a sudden u turn and I find myself at an all time hiiiigh.

Thank fuck for that. I hate it when I'm in one of my "low" periods. I spent the week eating everything in sight, drinking and spending all of my money.
The strange thing is, when I'm feeling depressed I know I come across as so happy to my friends. I turn into the party animal, dragging them out dancing and drinking sambuca all night, before going into work to play the boss a few hours later. They think I'm being wild, adventurous, living and loving my life. Hah. If only they knew that it's just my way of trying to pretend all is well. Cut to 4am, when everyone has gone home, and I'll be sitting in the dark trying to push the suicidal thoughts and despair from my head.

I like my "high" periods. They are when I give myself a good shake and take back control of myself. I am happy, safe and contented in the knowledge that I'm "back" again. No more eating shit. I have my vitamins lined up ready to take in the morning, my diet coke tucked away in my bag to serve as my breakfast and lunch at work tomorrow.

My parents are out for their anniversary tonight, so for once I have the house to myself. I plan on doing a saltwater flush later. I really need to rid myself of all the junk and alcohol I have consumed over the past week and be clean and pure, ready to start over tomorrow.

I also plan to spend my evening searching the net for some more aids, such as cinnamon pills and a new decent thinspo book. Will I ever find anything as good as Wasted? I doubt it. Sigh.

I love this mood. I'm invincible. Fucking bring it on.

2010-06-09T00:01:00.000-07:00

"I don't care if it hurts,
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul"

2010-06-07T13:26:00.000-07:00

What made me this way?

was it being bought up by parents that drink too much, or my fathers drug abuse? How about the fact that my Mum has her own fucked up eating patterns?

Was it something rooted deep down, always there and waiting to come out? When I think back to being a child I always had "things" with food...I wanted it so much and I was scared of it. I couldn't/can't eat baked beans, or drink milk from anywhere but home. Any milk but semi skimmed terrifies me. I cant eat sandwiches or anything baked from anywhere unfamiliar...when I can bear to eat them at all.

It depends what "stage" I'm in.

Was it the guy that abused me when I was 11? Or was that just a trigger that bought it bubbling to the surface?

I have always felt "broken". Different. Something missing, something...Not Quite Right.

I binge, I starve, I get depressed, I cut myself, I like myself for a little while then I hate myself. Loathe myself. I stuff my face with junk,I eat nothing but vitamins for weeks. I love my parents, I hate my parents. It's so exhausting sometimes.

What is it in the air that is turning us all against ourselves, making us want to destroy ourselves?

2010-06-06T23:42:00.000-07:00

"God, your waist is so tiny!"

...I swear those words made me have a multiple orgasm on the spot.

2010-06-02T00:21:00.000-07:00

I just realised how many calories are in Red bull, which until now I have been relying on 80% of the time to keep me awake while I'm not eating.

Excuse me while I go and stick my head in the oven.

2010-05-27T09:20:00.000-07:00

There is always a friend that complains about their weight, then proceeds to gorge on burgers.

I have a dear friend just like this. I really do love her. But why must she complain about her weight all the time, if she won't do anything anything about it?
And why does she have to drag me into the equation??

"We really should start eating healthy" or "We really should start going for morning runs"
- Errr, excuse me? I've lost nearly two stone bitch! I'm skinner then you have ever been, and still going! I'm actually DOING something about my weight, and god knows you need to do something a lot more than I do!

See, this is what she reduces me too. And like I said, I love her, I really do. But what the fuck is up with that? Does projecting her insecurities onto me make her feel a bit better? Does she pick up on how fucked up my mentality towards food is, and feed off it?

There is not one girl I know that would say "I am perfectly happy with my body".

2010-05-24T11:07:00.000-07:00

The latest in my life?

I have a stalker.

No, seriously! I real spying-on-me, 100 messages a day, 5am phone calls stalker.
I threatened to call the police on him yesterday but it's hasn't deterred him.

The ironic thing is, my stalker got me a date. How about that.
Turns out, he was ranting and raving about me to some "random guy" on Saturday night, who I actually know from a couple of years back. The guy told me all about it on Sunday - apparently my stalker was convinced I was in the same club, giving him "looks"...I wasn't even in the same town. Anyway, I ended up talking to this guy for hours, just generally catching up. Now..we have a date on Saturday!

Let's hope the stalker doesn't find out.

2010-05-19T13:50:00.000-07:00

I have been off sick from work the the past four days with Viral Gastreonitus...(If that's how you spell it)

The first two days consisted of me constantly throwing up, to the point of coughing up blood, and severe diarrhea.

Now I am exhausted with no appetite what so ever.

I must say I'm pretty darn pleased..the weight is falling off ;)

2010-05-14T12:13:00.001-07:00

I think I'm in love.
I have found my new life code.
Following extract is from my favourite website, random anorexics -

"I once asked a mentally fucked up good friend to help me lose the 20 pounds I packed on in college before I got married. This was her advice:

First of all, no fucking excuses! Get serious and read this slowly- every point holds equal merit. You’re getting married. It happens only once and this is your one chance to look your best. Is a basket of french fries really fucking worth looking at your wedding photos for the next forty years thinking, “shit, I should have tried harder”?
Second of all, EAT LESS. Have you ever watched Survivor? Or seen an anorexic? If you order a sandwich (never with cheese) don’t finish it. Always leave something on your plate. Immediately dispose of it when you’re full even if it’s the best damn thing you’ve ever tasted. No more dessert until after the wedding. Nothing fried, no potato chips, no fast food besides Subway. No ethnic food, Chinese, Mexican. Only Japanese. You’re smart, you know what’s fattening. Don’t fucking eat it. Drink a shit load of water. Constantly. All the fucking time. Much of hunger is dehydration anyways, so fill up and do it often. If you’re hungry, drink two glasses of water and then eat. It’s a natural appetite suppressant and it fills you up before meals. Carry a water bottle with you at all times.
Less carbs. No carbs is fucking impossible, makes you super tired and you’re more likely to never feel full which creates binging. Bread can only be part of the meal not an additive. If you like to drink, you can’t have beer. Diet Coke and Bacardi is the best. Or red wine. Definitely try drinking less. It’s so vital to losing weight. And NEVER drink soda. There’s so many calories in soda you won’t believe how much you’ll lose just from that.
Coffee. A lot of coffee. The more coffee, the less hunger, the more you shit – all things that create weight loss. A non-fat latte from Starbucks has 130 calories. Whole milk tacks on a 100 calories. Mochas are fine as long as they’re non-fat. No frappucinos, caramel macchiatos, nothing like that.
Always be cautious of calorie amounts. Try to eat three times a day at the same time each day. NEVER EAT PAST 7pm. Fruit has a ton of carbs. No fruit juices. No fucking smoothies. Grilled, poached, pan seared- the only things you can order at a restaurant. Eat all the veggies first to fill you up. NO creamy anything, dressings, sauces. No red meat.Vegetarians are usually skinnier than meat eaters. Stick to your three meals. ONLY. No snacking. No excuses. Fucking priorities!
Don’t immediately eat in the morning. It only makes me hungrier throughout the day. Eat lightly until dinner, salads, oatmeal, sandwiches (no cheese), handful only of nuts, tons of sushi, grilled chicken or fish, tons of steamed veggies and tofu. NO fucking pasta dishes, no mac n cheese, spaghetti etc. Sometimes when I’m really hungry, I go to sleep. Never eat before you lay down. When you wake up you’ll feel so much skinnier.
Vitamins. Now that you’re eating a lot less you need vitamins to supplement. Take a daily one and an omega 3 or fish oil- they suppress appetites. Diet pills are the bomb as well.
There’s no better work out than hard core sex. Do it more. Walk to the car, no elevators or escalators. Jumping jacks, weight lifting, running. At least 30 minutes a day. Get your heart rate up and keep it there for AT LEAST 30 minutes. When you exercise take a diet pill 45 minutes before working out. The energy from the pill will help you work out harder. Sounds weird, but if I smoke pot I can workout forever.
Lastly, go tanning.
I’m not psycho. It just works for me and I believe in you. Set a goal and achieve it. You are in control of yourself. Don’t lose the battle against your weaknesses."

Yes, random woman whom I never have an never will meet. I will say loud and proud that I am in love with you and your ethics! If only I could find a man like you!

2010-05-14T08:34:00.000-07:00

A lesson - When Fasting, do not go out with friends. You will end up eating.

Why do I never learn??

Yesterday was "supposed" to be a fasting day. Yet I stupidly agreed to go to the pub with work friends. I deliberately turned up an hour later than everyone else, thinking that if they were going to order food (of course they would order food) that they would be finished by the time I arrived.

Apparently not! Apparently they wanted to wait for me. What the fuck?
So I can't even fob them off by saying I had a huge lunch because i had been at work with them and they were fully aware that I hadn't had any lunch at all.
I'm panicking in my head and trying not to look flustered and my closest friend is studying me carefully for my reaction because he knows about my "past" eating problems and he is getting suspicious recently.

And the best thing to do to get them all of my backs is to eat something. Damn. I'm scanning the menu trying to pick the lowest fat option..they don't have the calorie listings, I thought we were in 2010?...The only salad option they have is cheese and walnut or chicken and bacon. Damn and shit - Hardly freeking low fat!!

I decide to go with chicken and bacon, figuring I can just eat some Chicken and the salad and leave the bacon to the side.
The salad arrives - it's covered in some sort of oil dressing. "What is this?" "Avocado dressing" replies the waiter. Oh man. It's drenched in it. The bacon bits...are minuscule. I can't pick them out, that would look like crazy behaviour and my friends would definitely pick up on it. They know me well enough to know I like bacon. Suspicious friend is still watching me over his own plate of burger and chips.
Bullshit. I resign myself to the fact that I have to eat this shitty meal even though it's going to mess up the whole days work. I eat half, hoping that will counteract some of the calories even though I know that really it won't and it's still crap.

I spend the rest of the night in a fowl mood, wishing I could get crazy drunk to make me feel better but refusing because I can't possibly have any more calories after that salad. I go home feeling resigned and guilty, wishing I never went out in the first place and thinking..
"Why the fuck can't people just let me get on with it?"

My favourite "ana" related websites...

2010-05-12T00:26:00.000-07:00

Very unlike me to update twice in one day but in the spirit of me realising I am a fat fucker, I thought I'd share with you a few of my favourite "anorexic" browsings...note that I do not say "pro ana"...

First of all, we have possibly my favourite website of all time - www.randomanorexics.com -

A blog by two ladies who are just as fucked up as me, I visit this web page and always leave with a smile on my face. In their own words -
"We're just two slightly cynical ladies trying to cope and have a little laugh every now and then. If you don't like us, we don't care. If you want to chastise us, please at least try using your brain when you do. "

Next up, www.thisiswhyyourefat.com - Pretty much what it says in the title.

It invites people to upload pictures of the most greasy, fat riddled and over sized meals they can find. I find it's the perfect tonic when I am getting junk food cravings, or when I am losing sight of why I'm doing what I'm doing. Really does put things into perspective..yuck.

Ahhh..The website that started it all for me. www.anaregzig.blogspot.com

This is finally what triggered me into getting my fat ass into gear and sorting myself out. I came across this blog last year and it is, to me, ana gold dust. It's pretty much the most well known ana inspired blog out there. But, aside from this is the fact the "Ana" is a damn good writer. Unfortunately it hasn't been updated in almost a year but start from the beginning and it reads like an amazing book.

http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/diet_and_fitness/article1625715.ece

Apologies for the long link - An account from a journalist that took part in a six week starvation challenge. The results are really interesting. Although is ends up dismissing the ana way of life, I find it a really intriguing read and I see alot of myself in some of the woman's descriptions. I also - maybe this is strange? - find her descriptions of the thoughts and feeling she incurred quite motivating.

So there you have just a few of my favourite ana related websites. I have a stash on books at home that I have read (and re-read) so, time permitting, I will try to get round to giving you my review of them over the coming weeks. If you are as fucked up as me I hope you will enjoy the webistes mentioned - Happy browsing!

2010-05-11T23:58:00.000-07:00

I don't know what happened but these past few days I have fallen off the wagon and basically reverted back to my fat whale ways..

Ok, in hindsight I didn't go too crazy..I wasn't stuffing my face with whole packets of biscuits but I was most definitely consuming about 2,000 calories a day which is unacceptable.

On top of that, I wasn't bothering to take my vitamins or diet pills..what the fuck is up with that?...And I don't think a drop of water passed my lips in three days, although lots of fizzy drink and milkshake did.

Ugh.

How can that happen? Last week I was pretty much scared of drinking things like coke, and this week I was guzzling the stuff. Last week the thought of eating chocolate and crisps made me positively nauseous, this week I was craving it. Now, once again, I am back to being repulsed by these things and I am fuming at myself for letting this "breakdown" happen.

God knows how much good work I have undone in just a few miserable days? I avoided the scale during my binge and I sure as hell aren't looking forward to getting back on it.

How could it just turn on and off like a switch?

I am putting it down to the fact that I got my period, which turns me into a ravenous pig of a person. Still, it is my own fault for giving in to these cravings. Just when I thought I was finally waving goodbye to being a fat fuck all my life, it's like a slap in the face telling me that I am still horribly fat and greedy and there is a long, long way to go.

None the less, I am "Back on the wagon" now. Today I will allow black coffee, water, and some steamed veg at lunch. In a few days when my stomach has readjusted to being fed so Little, I will fast and saltwater flush and get all this crap out of my system.

Once step forward, two steps back.

I will not let that happen again!

2010-05-01T07:53:00.000-07:00

I just hate those moments of clarity when you realise that perhaps your actions make you look a tiny bit crazy...

Last night I had a planned girls night in with a friend. She suggested a take away for dinner, which made me freak out. So we went to the shop to choose something to cook instead, where I started freaking out again in my head because everything she was suggesting was too fattening. Never mind the fact that I hadn't eaten all day, despite starting work at 7am. Then, when she finally agreed with me on a healthy stir fry, I found myself freaking out again at the amount she had put on my plate.
She said that when she suggested I have some garlic bread, I looked at it with such hatred and disgust that it confused her and she thought she'd said something wrong.

Cut to this morning, I end up having a binge of a breakfast with a bowl of cereal and a bacon sandwich on white bread. I scoff it down without tasting it, followed by two diet cokes. Then comes the guilt - what have I done?! - The resolution that I'm not eating anything for the rest of the day because I'm a fat fucking cow.

And I'm sitting here thinking, for god's sake, this isn't normal.

2010-04-29T06:41:00.000-07:00

Hello hello,

I have been itching to get on here and update but unfortunately I have been off sick with a stomach bug the last five days...which resulted in much vomiting and diarrhea, and complete loss of appetite.
I was practically quivering with excitement when I finally weighed myself this morning (I told myself I wouldn't until I was better) and rightly so, as I lost 4 pounds ;)

Aside from this it's good news on the work front as well - we have finally been given a part timer! This is great for two reasons;
1) It takes a lot of pressure off me as I'm not trying to single handedly run the desk whilst taking care of the admin and managerial side of things
2) Until he is fully trained up, he has been put on evening shifts with me. That means I don't get tempted to munch anything throughout my shift and as a result, most days I am only eating something small like a yogurt before my shift and that is all..

So all in all, it's been a pretty good week and I'm feeling positive. I'm starting to notice the changes in my body from my altered diet and I don't just mean weight wise - although I must say, my stomach is looking lovely and flat these days. Still a hell of a long way to go but..
Anyway, what I mean is I am feeling better in general. Now I've cut out all the refined crap and sugar, my skin is glowing, I'm less tired and strangely my nails are really strong but I should think that's down to the iron or zinc tablets

So like I said, its all good :)

2010-04-21T13:31:00.000-07:00

Drum roll please....

Down 14 pounds. Fourteen whole pounds!!!

More determined than ever ;)

2010-04-19T08:24:00.001-07:00

Last night, I purged.

That's the second time in my life I've ever done that, the last time being nearly six years ago when I was 14.

It was disgusting and, needless to say, a big wake up call. What am I doing, sticking my fingers down my throat? I feel awful about it today. My two knuckles are red from scraping them against my teeth in the frenzy last night. Every time I see them, it reminds me and I feel sick at myself.

I let myself go off track the last couple of days. I think with the stress at work recently and all the other shit I've had going on, I let it all get on top of me and got a little depressed.

Well, no more!

From now on it's back to having a clear head and clear goals. What's the use in being skinny if I have teeth rotting away from stomach acid and lank hair? I need to keep on top of this. I can't let it consume me, I don't want it to consume me - why did I ever think I wanted it to?! I'm the one in control here and I need to remind myself that as soon as you lose control, your fucked.

I also need to cut down on my drinking because it's just pointless calories. Easier said than done - I'm having a party at my house on Friday so we'll see how long that lasts!

2010-04-15T12:06:00.001-07:00

I want to scream

I want to grab my disgusting fat flesh and pull it away from me, I want it to all melt away and leave me with nothing

I want people to stare and envy my clean shape, to whisper how does she do it?

I want this to consume me, to eat everything away until there is nothing of me left

Ana, I'm giving myself up to you, I'm yours for the taking.

2010-04-14T08:04:00.000-07:00

Seems my body is finally getting used to me skipping meals and restricting again - it's not growling in protest every five minutes!

I am actually starting to NOT feel hungry - instead, when it comes round to having my small and healthy one meal a day, I find I'm stuffed afterwards and I can even get away with only eating half - This is fantastic, the weight will (hopefully) fall off me so much faster now ;)

Lost 12 pounds in total so far :)

2010-04-13T02:22:00.000-07:00

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

2010-04-11T08:13:00.000-07:00

Well, what a weekend. A long, drunken, crazy weekend. My friends are bad influences on me!

I weighed myself this morning and I have lost 9 pounds in total since I "came back". To me, it's not enough but I guess I would feel that way even if i had lost 90 pounds.

I am thoroughly pleased with myself as I managed convince my whole group of friends last night that I am gluten intolerant. That means they won't question me when I say no to pizza which seems to be all they want to eat when we get together. They were all wolfing it down last night. I couldn't help but feel smug sitting there, watching them stuff their faces with greasy cheese laden crap.

My very best friend, 'C', is always complaining that she has put on weight and needs to lose a few pounds. Yet she is obsessed with food! Every single day, the first thing she will say to me when I see her is "where are we going for lunch?" and then proceeds to get a huge burger washed down with beer. We'll go to the supermarket to pick up some food shopping and she's all sausage rolls, crisps, frozen pizza's...urgh.
Maybe I should be thankful that she likes to stuff herself with that shit, because just seeing it is enough to put me off. It kinda get to me though. Don't fucking complain about being overweight, then eat all that shit! Have some self control, or at least don't moan to me about it.

I feel mean saying that, but to me it seems simple. The key to not turning into a fat slob = don't eat like a fat slob! Simple, no?
I really do love her dearly, but she makes not eating really difficult. I'll have planned a day as a fasting day, and suggest to her that we take my dog out for a long walk, "Cos the weather is so nice!" (nothing to do with burning calories ;) ) and her reply will be "Yeah! Then we should go for a pub lunch afterwards!"

Arghhhh.....So then I have to agree, otherwise she will get suspicious as to why I'm not eating again. And I have to sit there watching her stuff her face while I down pint after pint of ice water and pick at my salad. And she asks so many questions. "Why aren't you having salad dressing? Since when don't you like mayonnaise? Aren't you gonna get chips with it?"

If it carries on like this I'm gonna have to cut her off, she's fucking up my plans and I really don't fucking like my schedule being changed once I have already decided what I am and am not eating that day.

FUCK OFF! LET ME GET ON WITH IT!

My Mum is starting to question me about what I'm eating, so I'm making a point of having my meals when she's around, and getting them myself without her asking if I'm hungry. That should keep her off my back and she doesn't need to know that I didn't have breakfast or lunch/dinner. I never eat breakfast, I never did even when I was younger. It makes me feel sick. I am quite happy with my black coffee, thank you.

After reading and then re-reading all of my thinspo books, I decided I needed to add to my collection. "Anorexia: A stranger in the family" by Katie Metcalfe dropped through the front day today and I'm already halfway through. It's one of the better ones. She even included pictures of herself at her lowest weight, how thoughtful and considerate!

The weather has been beautiful the past few days, so I'm hoping it sticks around for tomorrow as it's my day off. Nice weather = great exercise opportunities. I could literally spend the entire day at one of the big parks walking and jogging with the dog. No one would suspect untoward in that. Let's just hope the friend doesn't try and drag me out for lunch again!

Any excuse to get out the house is good anyway because, get this : My mum took my Dad back.
She took him back!!
I don't think I can even put into words how angry I am, at both of them. Him, for the obvious reasons - I haven't spoken to him since, and I don't plan on talking to him again. He has put our family through so much shit in the past, and now he's old enough to be a grandad. He needs to fucking grow up once and for all, yet he's still putting the family through shit.

And I'm furious at my Mum for taking him back. For being such a victim, for letting him get away with it, for not protecting me and my sister from what he's like. Now we are both grown up, we don't need protecting, but I can't help but be pissed off that she didn't sort her fucking life out and get rid of him when we were kids.

I really think my Dad has contributed a lot to my eating "issues".

2010-04-07T13:41:00.000-07:00

It really fucks me off that I haven't had a chance to update properly over the past two days. I have been insanely busy at work, which is the only place I can update because my laptop is broken.

Ugh.

Well I messed up today - I had porridge at breakfast, salad at lunch, and a piece of chicken with peppers at dinner. I'm trying to calm myself down and say that's normal, that's healthy! but IT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH. I blame it on the fact that I came on my period today which always makes me ravenous. Fat whore, horrible body, let's my down again.

I won't let myself get too upset over it. I need to remind myself that It can be fixed - I am still on my journey to perfection. I can't let my not eating (or eating) get on top of me - I need to keep focused and positive and keep my eye on the prize.

I plan to burn it off on a long long run tomorrow. It's my day off but I'll be up early, I have to get that run in to make up for today, plus see an old friend, plus view a flat.

I logged on today and see I have two followers :)

I'll be back on Saturday and I will post a long detailed update.

2010-04-06T01:37:00.000-07:00

So much has happened.

I can't write about it at the moment. I need to process it all in my head first.

Fucking life.
As soon as I get my raise, that's it I'm moving out.
Never wanted to come back in the first place.
Circumstances.

Well...I've lost 3 pounds in 5 days. Mmmm. Not enough for my liking.
I know I should kick it up a notch and go for a marathon run tonight but I'm just so emotionally drained, I don't think I have the energy.
All I've been managing is 50 sit ups, 50 reps and 50 leg lifts a night. PATHETIC. Not good enough.

Yesturday I ate salad and a pice of soya and linseed bread @ 5pm.

I'm fasting today.

Fat whore.

I'm off on Thursday. Saltwater flush.

2010-04-05T01:52:00.000-07:00

Hello darkness, my old friend
I've come to talk with you again
Because a vision softly creeping,
Left its seeds while I was sleeping
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains

2010-04-04T09:10:00.000-07:00

Well the shit well and truly hit the fan last night.

Of all nights over the past few days why did my Mum choose that one to confront him about the affair? There I was, drinking vodka lemonade with my friends in the club and looking like a whale in my new dress. Then I get a call from Mum saying that they had a huge fight, and he wouldn't leave. So I had to jump into a cab and rush over there.

My big night out lasted an hour.

I ended up also having a massive argument with my Dad and pushing him out the front door. I was trying to keep my cool, I really was, but he made me so god damn angry. He kept denying it and acting the innocent victim which made my blood boil because I saw the evidence. Does he think I'm fucking stupid or something?!

He came crawling back this morning and was promptly chucked out again.
My mum is trying to be strong but I can tell she's heartbroken. I don't know what to do. She's like a lost child and I don't know how I can make her feel better.

After he left this morning I had a secret cry to myself, the first since I found out about the affair. This is going to sounds strange, but I felt sorry for him. Of course I'm fucking furious with him and I'm glad his out. But at the same time, he's still my Dad and too see him reduced to tears this morning and carrying one of my shopper bags filled with his stuff really got to me.

I know he deserves it and it's his fault so I don't know why that upset me.

It's all wrong and..horrible. That's such a juvenile word but it's the only way I can really describe it. Just horrible. These next few months are going to be really tough, as if I didn't have enough on my plate with work. I thought I was exhausted already but It's going to get worse. There's fuck all I can do except get on with it and try my best to be there for my mum.

The show must go on.

I wish my sister was living in this country so I didn't have to deal with my fucked up family alone.

The early bird catches the worm..

2010-04-03T01:20:00.000-07:00

..But doesn't eat it.

Up bright and early for work this morning.
Strip off, step on the scales, hold my breath waiting for the needle to settle.
I've lost two pounds in two days!

It's not amazing but it's a starting point.

Breakfast today - A black coffee.
It's a friends birthday party tonight. Another friend is picking me up from work to go dress shopping. Urgh. I hope I can find something that I don't look too horrific in.
I hope she doesn't want to go for Lunch. She probably will. I have to be careful with her - she's always suspicious of my eating. She won't let me blag it by saying I had a huge breakfast. If she insists then I'll have soup but I really don't want to do that because I had already planned on eating a baked potato before I go out tonight. That's because I plan on drinking tonight (Vodka and diet lemonade) and If i don't eat something stodgy I'll be drunk after 5 minutes and too lightheaded to hit the dance floor.

I can't wait until I reach the point again that my body is so used to going without food that it doesn't go into a tizzy when I skip a meal.

I bet someone will stumble across this blog and be shocked at my twisted way of thinking. I suppose this is no way to live but...and this is awful..I want to. I want to live like this. I have to live like this. I know deep down that it's terrible and I've already done so much damage to my body.

How can I explain to anybody that what could kill me feels like its saving me?

The only good thing about yesterdays car crash - my boss said I could leave at 12 o'clock today instead of 4pm. To "get my neck checked out". Pah. I've dosed myself up on painkillers and I'll be going straight to the shopping center. What she doesn't know won't kill her. I'd feel guilty if I hadn't done 16 hours overtime last week and didn't get paid for it.

Here's hoping I can burn enough calories on the dance floor tonight to be down another pound tomorrow. I doubt it. Between the possible soup lunch, baked potato dinner and my drinking binge tonight, I don't see how I could lose. God forbid..I might even put on a pound. Ok, definitely no lunch, no matter what the friend says. And I'm downsizing that Jacket potato to a bowl of special K.

Usually I would just cut out the alcohol but after the week I've had, I want it. I want to escape from myself tonight.

Bad things always happen in three's

2010-04-02T08:56:00.000-07:00

Last night one of our neighbours died

This morning I found out my Dad is having an affair and had to be the one to tell my Mum about it

On the way to work I was in a car accident, have whiplash, yet still had to come to work until 10pm because there is no one to cover me

All in all a pretty shit day so far.

Its 5pm, I had special K for breakfast and black coffee when I got to work. I'm not hungry. I won't bother eating for the rest of the day.

I just want to hide in my bed...or get ridiculously drunk.

Welcome to my world.

2010-04-01T11:32:00.000-07:00

First post.
It feels lonely here. That may sound like a strange way to describe a blog, but it's true. I had a blog on Xanga before - I can't go on that anymore. Over my year of blogging with Xanga I built up a good network of friends. A good network of support. Now I have to start all over again.

Where to start - I suppose at the beginning? That's what they say, isn't it? Only I don't know where the beginning is. A little about me then... I'm 19. I'm female. I live near London. I won't give you specifics because I won't run the risk of anyone I know finding out about this. I started starving myself a year ago. Two months back I attempted suicide. I had therapy and started to eat again. For the past two weeks I have found myself surfing for pro-ana sites, reading over old ana books, contemplating "what if I don't eat tomorrow.."

And so I'm back, I'm more determined than ever and I'm pretty disgusted that I let myself get so fat. I'm also excited. Game on.

Like most people, I was thoroughly inspired by sister blog "dying to be thin" by ana regzig. I noted how many wanarexic blogs popped up, badly written and abandoned after a couple of weeks. I also know that there are other bloggers out there, real people with real issues. I read them when I'm so hungry I can't think of anything but food, and they save me from myself because I know I'm not alone.

I do not write to be funny or inspiring.
I cannot promise every entry will be entertaining and perfectly punctuated.
Mostly I just write the ramblings in my head, which make no sense to me so are bound to make no sense to you.
At least I know what I write is real, and I write it more for myself than for others.
If there is someone reading this now, and they decide they will follow my blog entries, I am humbled. If not then that's also fine.

Pleasantries out the way.

I eased myself back in gently today. I know straight out starving for days on end won't do anything but fuck up my metabolism. My excitement at starting out again makes me want to act irrational and do a thousand sit ups a day with nothing but an ice cube but I am reminding myself that I have to do this properly, follow the rules.
I had special K and skimmed milk for breakfast. For dinner, tuna salad. Made with onion, cucumber, sweetcorn, tinned tuna and lots of pepper. In between I have been chugging water and I had a coffee. I take my coffee black with two sugars - I suppose everyone has a guilty pleasure ;)

I think in the back of my mind I knew I would start this up again before I had actually decided too. I went shopping the other day and ended up in boots, stocking up on vitamins. Garlic and cinnamon, natural fat burners. Multivits, iron, zinc, selenium, cod liver oil. Help keep my strength up when I'm fasting.

Ahhh, fasting. How I can't wait to get stuck into my first one. Have to take it easy, start it as just one day, water and black coffee only. See how it goes. Bump it up to two days the week after. So on and so forth. Sit up's. Reps. Run. Leg lifts. Are you hungry? Me, no. Smile and act normal. Don't let them know. Light head, weak knees, feels like I'm floating. My little secret. I can't wait to get that feeling again. I need it. Give me my high, let me know I'm winning, make me keep going.

Let the games begin.