This glorious weather brings about quite the dilemma.
Do I peel off to reveal my beached whale like physique? A great tan is slimming but really, do I dare to bare the blubber?

I think I will have to remain unseasonably pale. I don't want to put the poor defenceless beach goers off their ice creams.

Sundays make me eat. I know I am not the only one who has this problem.

I bet the suicide rate is much higher on Sundays.

Following two weeks of feeling at an all time low, my mood has once again taken a sudden u turn and I find myself at an all time hiiiigh.

Thank fuck for that. I hate it when I'm in one of my "low" periods. I spent the week eating everything in sight, drinking and spending all of my money.
The strange thing is, when I'm feeling depressed I know I come across as so happy to my friends. I turn into the party animal, dragging them out dancing and drinking sambuca all night, before going into work to play the boss a few hours later. They think I'm being wild, adventurous, living and loving my life. Hah. If only they knew that it's just my way of trying to pretend all is well. Cut to 4am, when everyone has gone home, and I'll be sitting in the dark trying to push the suicidal thoughts and despair from my head.

I like my "high" periods. They are when I give myself a good shake and take back control of myself. I am happy, safe and contented in the knowledge that I'm "back" again. No more eating shit. I have my vitamins lined up ready to take in the morning, my diet coke tucked away in my bag to serve as my breakfast and lunch at work tomorrow.

My parents are out for their anniversary tonight, so for once I have the house to myself. I plan on doing a saltwater flush later. I really need to rid myself of all the junk and alcohol I have consumed over the past week and be clean and pure, ready to start over tomorrow.

I also plan to spend my evening searching the net for some more aids, such as cinnamon pills and a new decent thinspo book. Will I ever find anything as good as Wasted? I doubt it. Sigh.

I love this mood. I'm invincible. Fucking bring it on.

"I don't care if it hurts,
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul"

What made me this way?

was it being bought up by parents that drink too much, or my fathers drug abuse? How about the fact that my Mum has her own fucked up eating patterns?

Was it something rooted deep down, always there and waiting to come out? When I think back to being a child I always had "things" with food...I wanted it so much and I was scared of it. I couldn't/can't eat baked beans, or drink milk from anywhere but home. Any milk but semi skimmed terrifies me. I cant eat sandwiches or anything baked from anywhere unfamiliar...when I can bear to eat them at all.

It depends what "stage" I'm in.

Was it the guy that abused me when I was 11? Or was that just a trigger that bought it bubbling to the surface?

I have always felt "broken". Different. Something missing, something...Not Quite Right.

I binge, I starve, I get depressed, I cut myself, I like myself for a little while then I hate myself. Loathe myself. I stuff my face with junk,I eat nothing but vitamins for weeks. I love my parents, I hate my parents. It's so exhausting sometimes.

What is it in the air that is turning us all against ourselves, making us want to destroy ourselves?

"God, your waist is so tiny!"



...I swear those words made me have a multiple orgasm on the spot.

I just realised how many calories are in Red bull, which until now I have been relying on 80% of the time to keep me awake while I'm not eating.

Excuse me while I go and stick my head in the oven.