Day two of being back to my ana best...

Although I planned to eat normally over the weekend, I still found myself subconsciously restricting and skipping meals where possible. I couldn't help myself!

I woke up bright eyed and bushy tailed yesterday, positively euphoric that my mind was made up and the soup diet could begin.
The boyfriend isn't happy about it, not one bit, but I have the perfect excuse - My sister's wedding in July, where I will be maid of honour. No one will think it odd that I'm crash dieting before then. After that - Well, we'll deal with it when the time comes..

I've got my bottle of water attached to my side, constantly sipping throughout the day to keep me feeling full. I've stocked up on my vitamins (Garlic, Cinnamon, zinc, iron, adios) and purged all the food from my flat. The only edibles left is soup, muesli, and some sweetcorn and baked beans if I have a really weak moment and need to eat something more substantial.

Today's intake so far - 1 Jacobs cracker, half a bowl of tomato soup. Water, black coffee.
Planned intake for the rest of the day - Half a bowl of chicken soup.
Total cals - 498.

Boooo. That's much too close to 500 for my liking. However, I know it will get easier as my stomach shrinks again and I must remind myself that going straight back to 200 cals with mess up my metabolism.

Visiting a friend this afternoon, I'm hoping to get a good 2 hour session on her trampoline.

PS - If you want to view my daily food diary, search username Fragile_Dictator on myfitnesspal.com

I’ve decided to go back on my soup diet and I am so super, super excited that I’m struggling to wait until Monday to start!


Nothing but low fat soup – I prefer chicken or tomato – diet coke, water and black coffee. If I’m really struggling, I will allow myself a small can of baked beans in replacement for the soup, to make me feel that little bit more full.

I’ve also bought some plain low fat crackers to keep in my desk at work – god love my colleagues, but they are terrible influences when it comes to weight loss. Our office seems to have a never ending supply of pastries, cookies, doughnuts, boxes of chocolates...At least if I have my crackers to hand, I can nibble on them to beat the temptation. I’ve also bought myself a box of the lower fat muesli – My general rule when I’m in “ana” mode is not to eat breakfast at all but I have to be honest with myself If I want to do this properly and succeed and that means acknowledging the fact that when I’m due on my period, I am a ravenous beast. At least if I have the muesli to hand I’ll be prepared and can have an (almost) guilt free breakfast to tide me other rather than ending up binging.



I am so god damn PSYCHED to have my head back in this place again. I’m ready, I’m positively chomping at the bit to start this up again.



I need to contain myself and make sure I do this properly. I’m getting extra prepared and I will not set myself up for a fail. I know that it’s best to wait and start on Monday, because I have too much planned socially over the next few days and there’s no way I would get away with not eating in front of certain friends (We have a four day weekend due to a bank holiday and royal wedding).

It further complicates matters that my boyfriend pretty much lives in my flat with me – although I haven’t been in ana mode over the past few months, old habits die hard and he’s questioned me over a few little things, such as my love of chugging black coffee before a meal or probably the rabbit in headlights look I must get when he suggests a takeaway after a night out.

I’ll have to be very very careful around him so as not to raise his suspicions.



Come Monday I will be posting every intake and outtake on www.myfitnesspal.com – A fantastic website that counts every calorie you put in and burn off and gives you your balance at the end of every day. Even better, it’s free! I’ll post the link to my personal diary nearer the time so you can all see where I’m at. The thought of you all seeing my current weight...*shudder*. I have allowed myself to swell up to beached whale proportions. However, exposing my shame and knowing that If I slip up people will know about it will just give me even more willpower.



Once I’m back in the game I’m aiming to start doing a few mini fasts – one or two days at a time – nothing but liquids (not including the soup).

One step at a time....

Dear "old" Emily, please come back soon..

Where am I?

I'm still here.
I feel like I've gone away somewhere and now I'm lost.
I want "me" to come back,
Yet I've never really known who I am.

I haven't posted in ages.
Sometimes the thoughts are so scrambled in my head I can barely function, let alone making sense of them on a computer screen.

I'll be ready soon.

I finally plucked up the courage to go to the Doctor's and ask for help with my depression..

Me: I was really nervous to come today. I'd really like some help, I've been struggling with depression for a while now.
Her: OK, let's have a look at your notes.
(Tapping away at computer, not bothering to look at me)
Her: So last January you were in hospital after cutting your wrists
Me: Yes..
(Still tapping away)
Her: And you received counselling this time last year for alcohol abuse
Me: Yes...
Her: And this time last year you...were admitted to an eating disorders unit??

THEN I SWEAR TO GOD THE BITCH LOOKED ME UP AND DOWN. As if to say, "You? Eating disorder? What was it, Binge eating?!!"

Bitch.

I asked for anti-depressants, she said no. I asked for something to help my Insomnia, she suggested a hot bath before bed. As if I haven't tried that and everything else.
Then she proceeded to quiz me to diagnose if I really had depression. Because, obviously, her little quiz will tell her more than I can.

Her: Do you ever feel hopeless?
Me: Yes.
Her: Do you have trouble sleeping?
Me: What? I just told you that. Yes!
Her: No need to get angry. Do you have trouble concentrating? Have you lost interest in day to day activities?
Me: Yes!
Her: Are you having problems at home or work?

...And so it went on, even though i had just spent half an hour before telling her everything about what is and what isn't wrong. In the end I started crying, even though I tried not to give the bitch the satisfaction. She just looked me up and down (again), passed me a tissue and said "Is that all?"

Yeah, that's all. Thanks a fucking bunch.

Sitting in the dark, drinking black coffee, listening to "Creep" on repeat.

Food. I open my eyes in the morning and I think of food.

I'm talking to my boss at work, I'm typing a letter, I'm serving a customer, I'm thinking of food. What will I eat today? What won't I eat today? I'm hungry. I'm disgusted at the thought. Do you want some breakfast? No thanks, I'm not hungry. Just black coffee please.

The boss comes back. She sits with her danish pastries and eats, without a care in the world. She doesn't notice my morbid fascination. How can she eat that? She is disgusting. But I'm jealous - why can't I eat that? No! Don't think like that! You don't want to be like them.

What will I eat for lunch? I don't think I should...Maybe just a bowl of soup. No, I can't - Leek and potato, far too much fat. Ok so black coffee and a fat free yogurt. Why do you always have a breakfast yogurt at Lunch?!! Shut up, mind your own business.

I get home. I'm hungry. I'm thinking what I can eat but I know the answer - nothing. I go through the same routine everyday. Open all the cupboards, look at the different foods, open up the fridge, scan it's contents - who am i kidding? I know I shouldn't be putting myself through this torture when I'm not allowed to eat. I drink water. I nibble an oatcake. I google random thoughts. I wait. I wait until dinner time.

Dinner time - I'm staying at my friends this week but if I wasn't here I would still be surrounded by family. What shall we have for dinner? Oh god, don't ask me that, don't make me choose. I know I have to eat with you, don't make me think too much about it, just make it and let me do it before I start to think. How about Pasta? Yes fine, pasta, and I'll pick out the bacon bits.

I prefer to work shifts. Wake up late, go to work, I have successfully skipped breakfast and lunch. Work, decline the offer of staff dinner "I'm too busy!", finish at ten, go home. Have you eaten dinner? Yes, I had staff food.

www.myfitnesspal.com - THE BEST FREEKING WEBSITE EVER!

I am very excited to have come across this. Some where to log my intake and outake daily - and be able to look back on my progress! And it's free!!!

HOW did i not find this before? Excuse me while I lie down in a darkened room.