Sitting in the dark, drinking black coffee, listening to "Creep" on repeat.

Food. I open my eyes in the morning and I think of food.

I'm talking to my boss at work, I'm typing a letter, I'm serving a customer, I'm thinking of food. What will I eat today? What won't I eat today? I'm hungry. I'm disgusted at the thought. Do you want some breakfast? No thanks, I'm not hungry. Just black coffee please.

The boss comes back. She sits with her danish pastries and eats, without a care in the world. She doesn't notice my morbid fascination. How can she eat that? She is disgusting. But I'm jealous - why can't I eat that? No! Don't think like that! You don't want to be like them.

What will I eat for lunch? I don't think I should...Maybe just a bowl of soup. No, I can't - Leek and potato, far too much fat. Ok so black coffee and a fat free yogurt. Why do you always have a breakfast yogurt at Lunch?!! Shut up, mind your own business.

I get home. I'm hungry. I'm thinking what I can eat but I know the answer - nothing. I go through the same routine everyday. Open all the cupboards, look at the different foods, open up the fridge, scan it's contents - who am i kidding? I know I shouldn't be putting myself through this torture when I'm not allowed to eat. I drink water. I nibble an oatcake. I google random thoughts. I wait. I wait until dinner time.

Dinner time - I'm staying at my friends this week but if I wasn't here I would still be surrounded by family. What shall we have for dinner? Oh god, don't ask me that, don't make me choose. I know I have to eat with you, don't make me think too much about it, just make it and let me do it before I start to think. How about Pasta? Yes fine, pasta, and I'll pick out the bacon bits.

I prefer to work shifts. Wake up late, go to work, I have successfully skipped breakfast and lunch. Work, decline the offer of staff dinner "I'm too busy!", finish at ten, go home. Have you eaten dinner? Yes, I had staff food.

www.myfitnesspal.com - THE BEST FREEKING WEBSITE EVER!

I am very excited to have come across this. Some where to log my intake and outake daily - and be able to look back on my progress! And it's free!!!

HOW did i not find this before? Excuse me while I lie down in a darkened room.

..Quote of the week?

"I mean, I know lots of people who DO coke, but no one who actually drinks it".

Paha. It's funny cos it's true. Anyway, that's from the wonderful A-rexi-saurus and her blog. well worth checking out - http://arexisaurus.blogspot.com


By the way, I'm not a coke head. Not full time anyway. I just dabble now and again...But love to all the junkies out there.

That nervous breakdown must be nearer than i thought,

I quit my job and bought a shit load of cocaine

I welcome you nervous breakdown, with open arms!!

Maybe then people will get the fuck off my back.

I am surviving on 500 calories a day...usually less.

Does it make me odd that the idea of having a nervous breakdown is inviting?

I am an obese, wobbly, gelatinous state of a human being.

This has to stop. I can't live my whole life starving and binging, being up and down in both my mood and my weight. I have to take control once and for all, and completely cut out all the crap. I know I have the willpower to starve and be skinny - I just need to stick to it!

I am training for a marathon in London this Sunday, so until then I have to eat moderately. Porridge and bananas, but after that NOTHING. Coffee, water, diet coke. If I must eat, Soup. Liquids only. I'm quite looking forward to it actually. Running a marathon - what a kick start, what an initiative to start starving again afterwards!!!