There is always a friend that complains about their weight, then proceeds to gorge on burgers.
I have a dear friend just like this. I really do love her. But why must she complain about her weight all the time, if she won't do anything anything about it?
And why does she have to drag me into the equation??
"We really should start eating healthy" or "We really should start going for morning runs"
- Errr, excuse me? I've lost nearly two stone bitch! I'm skinner then you have ever been, and still going! I'm actually DOING something about my weight, and god knows you need to do something a lot more than I do!
See, this is what she reduces me too. And like I said, I love her, I really do. But what the fuck is up with that? Does projecting her insecurities onto me make her feel a bit better? Does she pick up on how fucked up my mentality towards food is, and feed off it?
There is not one girl I know that would say "I am perfectly happy with my body".
Thursday 27 May 2010
Monday 24 May 2010
The latest in my life?
I have a stalker.
No, seriously! I real spying-on-me, 100 messages a day, 5am phone calls stalker.
I threatened to call the police on him yesterday but it's hasn't deterred him.
The ironic thing is, my stalker got me a date. How about that.
Turns out, he was ranting and raving about me to some "random guy" on Saturday night, who I actually know from a couple of years back. The guy told me all about it on Sunday - apparently my stalker was convinced I was in the same club, giving him "looks"...I wasn't even in the same town. Anyway, I ended up talking to this guy for hours, just generally catching up. Now..we have a date on Saturday!
Let's hope the stalker doesn't find out.
I have a stalker.
No, seriously! I real spying-on-me, 100 messages a day, 5am phone calls stalker.
I threatened to call the police on him yesterday but it's hasn't deterred him.
The ironic thing is, my stalker got me a date. How about that.
Turns out, he was ranting and raving about me to some "random guy" on Saturday night, who I actually know from a couple of years back. The guy told me all about it on Sunday - apparently my stalker was convinced I was in the same club, giving him "looks"...I wasn't even in the same town. Anyway, I ended up talking to this guy for hours, just generally catching up. Now..we have a date on Saturday!
Let's hope the stalker doesn't find out.
Wednesday 19 May 2010
I have been off sick from work the the past four days with Viral Gastreonitus...(If that's how you spell it)
The first two days consisted of me constantly throwing up, to the point of coughing up blood, and severe diarrhea.
Now I am exhausted with no appetite what so ever.
I must say I'm pretty darn pleased..the weight is falling off ;)
The first two days consisted of me constantly throwing up, to the point of coughing up blood, and severe diarrhea.
Now I am exhausted with no appetite what so ever.
I must say I'm pretty darn pleased..the weight is falling off ;)
Friday 14 May 2010
I think I'm in love.
I have found my new life code.
Following extract is from my favourite website, random anorexics -
"I once asked a mentally fucked up good friend to help me lose the 20 pounds I packed on in college before I got married. This was her advice:
First of all, no fucking excuses! Get serious and read this slowly- every point holds equal merit. You’re getting married. It happens only once and this is your one chance to look your best. Is a basket of french fries really fucking worth looking at your wedding photos for the next forty years thinking, “shit, I should have tried harder”?
Second of all, EAT LESS. Have you ever watched Survivor? Or seen an anorexic? If you order a sandwich (never with cheese) don’t finish it. Always leave something on your plate. Immediately dispose of it when you’re full even if it’s the best damn thing you’ve ever tasted. No more dessert until after the wedding. Nothing fried, no potato chips, no fast food besides Subway. No ethnic food, Chinese, Mexican. Only Japanese. You’re smart, you know what’s fattening. Don’t fucking eat it. Drink a shit load of water. Constantly. All the fucking time. Much of hunger is dehydration anyways, so fill up and do it often. If you’re hungry, drink two glasses of water and then eat. It’s a natural appetite suppressant and it fills you up before meals. Carry a water bottle with you at all times.
Less carbs. No carbs is fucking impossible, makes you super tired and you’re more likely to never feel full which creates binging. Bread can only be part of the meal not an additive. If you like to drink, you can’t have beer. Diet Coke and Bacardi is the best. Or red wine. Definitely try drinking less. It’s so vital to losing weight. And NEVER drink soda. There’s so many calories in soda you won’t believe how much you’ll lose just from that.
Coffee. A lot of coffee. The more coffee, the less hunger, the more you shit – all things that create weight loss. A non-fat latte from Starbucks has 130 calories. Whole milk tacks on a 100 calories. Mochas are fine as long as they’re non-fat. No frappucinos, caramel macchiatos, nothing like that.
Always be cautious of calorie amounts. Try to eat three times a day at the same time each day. NEVER EAT PAST 7pm. Fruit has a ton of carbs. No fruit juices. No fucking smoothies. Grilled, poached, pan seared- the only things you can order at a restaurant. Eat all the veggies first to fill you up. NO creamy anything, dressings, sauces. No red meat.Vegetarians are usually skinnier than meat eaters. Stick to your three meals. ONLY. No snacking. No excuses. Fucking priorities!
Don’t immediately eat in the morning. It only makes me hungrier throughout the day. Eat lightly until dinner, salads, oatmeal, sandwiches (no cheese), handful only of nuts, tons of sushi, grilled chicken or fish, tons of steamed veggies and tofu. NO fucking pasta dishes, no mac n cheese, spaghetti etc. Sometimes when I’m really hungry, I go to sleep. Never eat before you lay down. When you wake up you’ll feel so much skinnier.
Vitamins. Now that you’re eating a lot less you need vitamins to supplement. Take a daily one and an omega 3 or fish oil- they suppress appetites. Diet pills are the bomb as well.
There’s no better work out than hard core sex. Do it more. Walk to the car, no elevators or escalators. Jumping jacks, weight lifting, running. At least 30 minutes a day. Get your heart rate up and keep it there for AT LEAST 30 minutes. When you exercise take a diet pill 45 minutes before working out. The energy from the pill will help you work out harder. Sounds weird, but if I smoke pot I can workout forever.
Lastly, go tanning.
I’m not psycho. It just works for me and I believe in you. Set a goal and achieve it. You are in control of yourself. Don’t lose the battle against your weaknesses."
Yes, random woman whom I never have an never will meet. I will say loud and proud that I am in love with you and your ethics! If only I could find a man like you!
I have found my new life code.
Following extract is from my favourite website, random anorexics -
"I once asked a mentally fucked up good friend to help me lose the 20 pounds I packed on in college before I got married. This was her advice:
First of all, no fucking excuses! Get serious and read this slowly- every point holds equal merit. You’re getting married. It happens only once and this is your one chance to look your best. Is a basket of french fries really fucking worth looking at your wedding photos for the next forty years thinking, “shit, I should have tried harder”?
Second of all, EAT LESS. Have you ever watched Survivor? Or seen an anorexic? If you order a sandwich (never with cheese) don’t finish it. Always leave something on your plate. Immediately dispose of it when you’re full even if it’s the best damn thing you’ve ever tasted. No more dessert until after the wedding. Nothing fried, no potato chips, no fast food besides Subway. No ethnic food, Chinese, Mexican. Only Japanese. You’re smart, you know what’s fattening. Don’t fucking eat it. Drink a shit load of water. Constantly. All the fucking time. Much of hunger is dehydration anyways, so fill up and do it often. If you’re hungry, drink two glasses of water and then eat. It’s a natural appetite suppressant and it fills you up before meals. Carry a water bottle with you at all times.
Less carbs. No carbs is fucking impossible, makes you super tired and you’re more likely to never feel full which creates binging. Bread can only be part of the meal not an additive. If you like to drink, you can’t have beer. Diet Coke and Bacardi is the best. Or red wine. Definitely try drinking less. It’s so vital to losing weight. And NEVER drink soda. There’s so many calories in soda you won’t believe how much you’ll lose just from that.
Coffee. A lot of coffee. The more coffee, the less hunger, the more you shit – all things that create weight loss. A non-fat latte from Starbucks has 130 calories. Whole milk tacks on a 100 calories. Mochas are fine as long as they’re non-fat. No frappucinos, caramel macchiatos, nothing like that.
Always be cautious of calorie amounts. Try to eat three times a day at the same time each day. NEVER EAT PAST 7pm. Fruit has a ton of carbs. No fruit juices. No fucking smoothies. Grilled, poached, pan seared- the only things you can order at a restaurant. Eat all the veggies first to fill you up. NO creamy anything, dressings, sauces. No red meat.Vegetarians are usually skinnier than meat eaters. Stick to your three meals. ONLY. No snacking. No excuses. Fucking priorities!
Don’t immediately eat in the morning. It only makes me hungrier throughout the day. Eat lightly until dinner, salads, oatmeal, sandwiches (no cheese), handful only of nuts, tons of sushi, grilled chicken or fish, tons of steamed veggies and tofu. NO fucking pasta dishes, no mac n cheese, spaghetti etc. Sometimes when I’m really hungry, I go to sleep. Never eat before you lay down. When you wake up you’ll feel so much skinnier.
Vitamins. Now that you’re eating a lot less you need vitamins to supplement. Take a daily one and an omega 3 or fish oil- they suppress appetites. Diet pills are the bomb as well.
There’s no better work out than hard core sex. Do it more. Walk to the car, no elevators or escalators. Jumping jacks, weight lifting, running. At least 30 minutes a day. Get your heart rate up and keep it there for AT LEAST 30 minutes. When you exercise take a diet pill 45 minutes before working out. The energy from the pill will help you work out harder. Sounds weird, but if I smoke pot I can workout forever.
Lastly, go tanning.
I’m not psycho. It just works for me and I believe in you. Set a goal and achieve it. You are in control of yourself. Don’t lose the battle against your weaknesses."
Yes, random woman whom I never have an never will meet. I will say loud and proud that I am in love with you and your ethics! If only I could find a man like you!
A lesson - When Fasting, do not go out with friends. You will end up eating.
Why do I never learn??
Yesterday was "supposed" to be a fasting day. Yet I stupidly agreed to go to the pub with work friends. I deliberately turned up an hour later than everyone else, thinking that if they were going to order food (of course they would order food) that they would be finished by the time I arrived.
Apparently not! Apparently they wanted to wait for me. What the fuck?
So I can't even fob them off by saying I had a huge lunch because i had been at work with them and they were fully aware that I hadn't had any lunch at all.
I'm panicking in my head and trying not to look flustered and my closest friend is studying me carefully for my reaction because he knows about my "past" eating problems and he is getting suspicious recently.
And the best thing to do to get them all of my backs is to eat something. Damn. I'm scanning the menu trying to pick the lowest fat option..they don't have the calorie listings, I thought we were in 2010?...The only salad option they have is cheese and walnut or chicken and bacon. Damn and shit - Hardly freeking low fat!!
I decide to go with chicken and bacon, figuring I can just eat some Chicken and the salad and leave the bacon to the side.
The salad arrives - it's covered in some sort of oil dressing. "What is this?" "Avocado dressing" replies the waiter. Oh man. It's drenched in it. The bacon bits...are minuscule. I can't pick them out, that would look like crazy behaviour and my friends would definitely pick up on it. They know me well enough to know I like bacon. Suspicious friend is still watching me over his own plate of burger and chips.
Bullshit. I resign myself to the fact that I have to eat this shitty meal even though it's going to mess up the whole days work. I eat half, hoping that will counteract some of the calories even though I know that really it won't and it's still crap.
I spend the rest of the night in a fowl mood, wishing I could get crazy drunk to make me feel better but refusing because I can't possibly have any more calories after that salad. I go home feeling resigned and guilty, wishing I never went out in the first place and thinking..
"Why the fuck can't people just let me get on with it?"
Why do I never learn??
Yesterday was "supposed" to be a fasting day. Yet I stupidly agreed to go to the pub with work friends. I deliberately turned up an hour later than everyone else, thinking that if they were going to order food (of course they would order food) that they would be finished by the time I arrived.
Apparently not! Apparently they wanted to wait for me. What the fuck?
So I can't even fob them off by saying I had a huge lunch because i had been at work with them and they were fully aware that I hadn't had any lunch at all.
I'm panicking in my head and trying not to look flustered and my closest friend is studying me carefully for my reaction because he knows about my "past" eating problems and he is getting suspicious recently.
And the best thing to do to get them all of my backs is to eat something. Damn. I'm scanning the menu trying to pick the lowest fat option..they don't have the calorie listings, I thought we were in 2010?...The only salad option they have is cheese and walnut or chicken and bacon. Damn and shit - Hardly freeking low fat!!
I decide to go with chicken and bacon, figuring I can just eat some Chicken and the salad and leave the bacon to the side.
The salad arrives - it's covered in some sort of oil dressing. "What is this?" "Avocado dressing" replies the waiter. Oh man. It's drenched in it. The bacon bits...are minuscule. I can't pick them out, that would look like crazy behaviour and my friends would definitely pick up on it. They know me well enough to know I like bacon. Suspicious friend is still watching me over his own plate of burger and chips.
Bullshit. I resign myself to the fact that I have to eat this shitty meal even though it's going to mess up the whole days work. I eat half, hoping that will counteract some of the calories even though I know that really it won't and it's still crap.
I spend the rest of the night in a fowl mood, wishing I could get crazy drunk to make me feel better but refusing because I can't possibly have any more calories after that salad. I go home feeling resigned and guilty, wishing I never went out in the first place and thinking..
"Why the fuck can't people just let me get on with it?"
Wednesday 12 May 2010
My favourite "ana" related websites...
Very unlike me to update twice in one day but in the spirit of me realising I am a fat fucker, I thought I'd share with you a few of my favourite "anorexic" browsings...note that I do not say "pro ana"...
A blog by two ladies who are just as fucked up as me, I visit this web page and always leave with a smile on my face. In their own words -
"We're just two slightly cynical ladies trying to cope and have a little laugh every now and then. If you don't like us, we don't care. If you want to chastise us, please at least try using your brain when you do. "
This is finally what triggered me into getting my fat ass into gear and sorting myself out. I came across this blog last year and it is, to me, ana gold dust. It's pretty much the most well known ana inspired blog out there. But, aside from this is the fact the "Ana" is a damn good writer. Unfortunately it hasn't been updated in almost a year but start from the beginning and it reads like an amazing book.
Apologies for the long link - An account from a journalist that took part in a six week starvation challenge. The results are really interesting. Although is ends up dismissing the ana way of life, I find it a really intriguing read and I see alot of myself in some of the woman's descriptions. I also - maybe this is strange? - find her descriptions of the thoughts and feeling she incurred quite motivating.
So there you have just a few of my favourite ana related websites. I have a stash on books at home that I have read (and re-read) so, time permitting, I will try to get round to giving you my review of them over the coming weeks. If you are as fucked up as me I hope you will enjoy the webistes mentioned - Happy browsing!
- First of all, we have possibly my favourite website of all time - www.randomanorexics.com -
A blog by two ladies who are just as fucked up as me, I visit this web page and always leave with a smile on my face. In their own words -
"We're just two slightly cynical ladies trying to cope and have a little laugh every now and then. If you don't like us, we don't care. If you want to chastise us, please at least try using your brain when you do. "
- Next up, www.thisiswhyyourefat.com - Pretty much what it says in the title.
It invites people to upload pictures of the most greasy, fat riddled and over sized meals they can find. I find it's the perfect tonic when I am getting junk food cravings, or when I am losing sight of why I'm doing what I'm doing. Really does put things into perspective..yuck.
- Ahhh..The website that started it all for me. www.anaregzig.blogspot.com
This is finally what triggered me into getting my fat ass into gear and sorting myself out. I came across this blog last year and it is, to me, ana gold dust. It's pretty much the most well known ana inspired blog out there. But, aside from this is the fact the "Ana" is a damn good writer. Unfortunately it hasn't been updated in almost a year but start from the beginning and it reads like an amazing book.
Apologies for the long link - An account from a journalist that took part in a six week starvation challenge. The results are really interesting. Although is ends up dismissing the ana way of life, I find it a really intriguing read and I see alot of myself in some of the woman's descriptions. I also - maybe this is strange? - find her descriptions of the thoughts and feeling she incurred quite motivating.
So there you have just a few of my favourite ana related websites. I have a stash on books at home that I have read (and re-read) so, time permitting, I will try to get round to giving you my review of them over the coming weeks. If you are as fucked up as me I hope you will enjoy the webistes mentioned - Happy browsing!
Tuesday 11 May 2010
I don't know what happened but these past few days I have fallen off the wagon and basically reverted back to my fat whale ways..
Ok, in hindsight I didn't go too crazy..I wasn't stuffing my face with whole packets of biscuits but I was most definitely consuming about 2,000 calories a day which is unacceptable.
On top of that, I wasn't bothering to take my vitamins or diet pills..what the fuck is up with that?...And I don't think a drop of water passed my lips in three days, although lots of fizzy drink and milkshake did.
Ugh.
How can that happen? Last week I was pretty much scared of drinking things like coke, and this week I was guzzling the stuff. Last week the thought of eating chocolate and crisps made me positively nauseous, this week I was craving it. Now, once again, I am back to being repulsed by these things and I am fuming at myself for letting this "breakdown" happen.
God knows how much good work I have undone in just a few miserable days? I avoided the scale during my binge and I sure as hell aren't looking forward to getting back on it.
How could it just turn on and off like a switch?
I am putting it down to the fact that I got my period, which turns me into a ravenous pig of a person. Still, it is my own fault for giving in to these cravings. Just when I thought I was finally waving goodbye to being a fat fuck all my life, it's like a slap in the face telling me that I am still horribly fat and greedy and there is a long, long way to go.
None the less, I am "Back on the wagon" now. Today I will allow black coffee, water, and some steamed veg at lunch. In a few days when my stomach has readjusted to being fed so Little, I will fast and saltwater flush and get all this crap out of my system.
Once step forward, two steps back.
I will not let that happen again!
Ok, in hindsight I didn't go too crazy..I wasn't stuffing my face with whole packets of biscuits but I was most definitely consuming about 2,000 calories a day which is unacceptable.
On top of that, I wasn't bothering to take my vitamins or diet pills..what the fuck is up with that?...And I don't think a drop of water passed my lips in three days, although lots of fizzy drink and milkshake did.
Ugh.
How can that happen? Last week I was pretty much scared of drinking things like coke, and this week I was guzzling the stuff. Last week the thought of eating chocolate and crisps made me positively nauseous, this week I was craving it. Now, once again, I am back to being repulsed by these things and I am fuming at myself for letting this "breakdown" happen.
God knows how much good work I have undone in just a few miserable days? I avoided the scale during my binge and I sure as hell aren't looking forward to getting back on it.
How could it just turn on and off like a switch?
I am putting it down to the fact that I got my period, which turns me into a ravenous pig of a person. Still, it is my own fault for giving in to these cravings. Just when I thought I was finally waving goodbye to being a fat fuck all my life, it's like a slap in the face telling me that I am still horribly fat and greedy and there is a long, long way to go.
None the less, I am "Back on the wagon" now. Today I will allow black coffee, water, and some steamed veg at lunch. In a few days when my stomach has readjusted to being fed so Little, I will fast and saltwater flush and get all this crap out of my system.
Once step forward, two steps back.
I will not let that happen again!
Saturday 1 May 2010
I just hate those moments of clarity when you realise that perhaps your actions make you look a tiny bit crazy...
Last night I had a planned girls night in with a friend. She suggested a take away for dinner, which made me freak out. So we went to the shop to choose something to cook instead, where I started freaking out again in my head because everything she was suggesting was too fattening. Never mind the fact that I hadn't eaten all day, despite starting work at 7am. Then, when she finally agreed with me on a healthy stir fry, I found myself freaking out again at the amount she had put on my plate.
She said that when she suggested I have some garlic bread, I looked at it with such hatred and disgust that it confused her and she thought she'd said something wrong.
Cut to this morning, I end up having a binge of a breakfast with a bowl of cereal and a bacon sandwich on white bread. I scoff it down without tasting it, followed by two diet cokes. Then comes the guilt - what have I done?! - The resolution that I'm not eating anything for the rest of the day because I'm a fat fucking cow.
And I'm sitting here thinking, for god's sake, this isn't normal.
Last night I had a planned girls night in with a friend. She suggested a take away for dinner, which made me freak out. So we went to the shop to choose something to cook instead, where I started freaking out again in my head because everything she was suggesting was too fattening. Never mind the fact that I hadn't eaten all day, despite starting work at 7am. Then, when she finally agreed with me on a healthy stir fry, I found myself freaking out again at the amount she had put on my plate.
She said that when she suggested I have some garlic bread, I looked at it with such hatred and disgust that it confused her and she thought she'd said something wrong.
Cut to this morning, I end up having a binge of a breakfast with a bowl of cereal and a bacon sandwich on white bread. I scoff it down without tasting it, followed by two diet cokes. Then comes the guilt - what have I done?! - The resolution that I'm not eating anything for the rest of the day because I'm a fat fucking cow.
And I'm sitting here thinking, for god's sake, this isn't normal.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)