Hello hello,

I have been itching to get on here and update but unfortunately I have been off sick with a stomach bug the last five days...which resulted in much vomiting and diarrhea, and complete loss of appetite.
I was practically quivering with excitement when I finally weighed myself this morning (I told myself I wouldn't until I was better) and rightly so, as I lost 4 pounds ;)

Aside from this it's good news on the work front as well - we have finally been given a part timer! This is great for two reasons;
1) It takes a lot of pressure off me as I'm not trying to single handedly run the desk whilst taking care of the admin and managerial side of things
2) Until he is fully trained up, he has been put on evening shifts with me. That means I don't get tempted to munch anything throughout my shift and as a result, most days I am only eating something small like a yogurt before my shift and that is all..

So all in all, it's been a pretty good week and I'm feeling positive. I'm starting to notice the changes in my body from my altered diet and I don't just mean weight wise - although I must say, my stomach is looking lovely and flat these days. Still a hell of a long way to go but..
Anyway, what I mean is I am feeling better in general. Now I've cut out all the refined crap and sugar, my skin is glowing, I'm less tired and strangely my nails are really strong but I should think that's down to the iron or zinc tablets


So like I said, its all good :)

Drum roll please....


Down 14 pounds. Fourteen whole pounds!!!




More determined than ever ;)

Last night, I purged.

That's the second time in my life I've ever done that, the last time being nearly six years ago when I was 14.

It was disgusting and, needless to say, a big wake up call. What am I doing, sticking my fingers down my throat? I feel awful about it today. My two knuckles are red from scraping them against my teeth in the frenzy last night. Every time I see them, it reminds me and I feel sick at myself.

I let myself go off track the last couple of days. I think with the stress at work recently and all the other shit I've had going on, I let it all get on top of me and got a little depressed.

Well, no more!

From now on it's back to having a clear head and clear goals. What's the use in being skinny if I have teeth rotting away from stomach acid and lank hair? I need to keep on top of this. I can't let it consume me, I don't want it to consume me - why did I ever think I wanted it to?! I'm the one in control here and I need to remind myself that as soon as you lose control, your fucked.

I also need to cut down on my drinking because it's just pointless calories. Easier said than done - I'm having a party at my house on Friday so we'll see how long that lasts!

I want to scream

I want to grab my disgusting fat flesh and pull it away from me, I want it to all melt away and leave me with nothing

I want people to stare and envy my clean shape, to whisper how does she do it?

I want this to consume me, to eat everything away until there is nothing of me left


Ana, I'm giving myself up to you, I'm yours for the taking.

Seems my body is finally getting used to me skipping meals and restricting again - it's not growling in protest every five minutes!

I am actually starting to NOT feel hungry - instead, when it comes round to having my small and healthy one meal a day, I find I'm stuffed afterwards and I can even get away with only eating half - This is fantastic, the weight will (hopefully) fall off me so much faster now ;)

Lost 12 pounds in total so far :)

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

Well, what a weekend. A long, drunken, crazy weekend. My friends are bad influences on me!


I weighed myself this morning and I have lost 9 pounds in total since I "came back". To me, it's not enough but I guess I would feel that way even if i had lost 90 pounds.

I am thoroughly pleased with myself as I managed convince my whole group of friends last night that I am gluten intolerant. That means they won't question me when I say no to pizza which seems to be all they want to eat when we get together. They were all wolfing it down last night. I couldn't help but feel smug sitting there, watching them stuff their faces with greasy cheese laden crap.

My very best friend, 'C', is always complaining that she has put on weight and needs to lose a few pounds. Yet she is obsessed with food! Every single day, the first thing she will say to me when I see her is "where are we going for lunch?" and then proceeds to get a huge burger washed down with beer. We'll go to the supermarket to pick up some food shopping and she's all sausage rolls, crisps, frozen pizza's...urgh.
Maybe I should be thankful that she likes to stuff herself with that shit, because just seeing it is enough to put me off. It kinda get to me though. Don't fucking complain about being overweight, then eat all that shit! Have some self control, or at least don't moan to me about it.

I feel mean saying that, but to me it seems simple. The key to not turning into a fat slob = don't eat like a fat slob! Simple, no?
I really do love her dearly, but she makes not eating really difficult. I'll have planned a day as a fasting day, and suggest to her that we take my dog out for a long walk, "Cos the weather is so nice!" (nothing to do with burning calories ;) ) and her reply will be "Yeah! Then we should go for a pub lunch afterwards!"

Arghhhh.....So then I have to agree, otherwise she will get suspicious as to why I'm not eating again. And I have to sit there watching her stuff her face while I down pint after pint of ice water and pick at my salad. And she asks so many questions. "Why aren't you having salad dressing? Since when don't you like mayonnaise? Aren't you gonna get chips with it?"

If it carries on like this I'm gonna have to cut her off, she's fucking up my plans and I really don't fucking like my schedule being changed once I have already decided what I am and am not eating that day.

FUCK OFF! LET ME GET ON WITH IT!


My Mum is starting to question me about what I'm eating, so I'm making a point of having my meals when she's around, and getting them myself without her asking if I'm hungry. That should keep her off my back and she doesn't need to know that I didn't have breakfast or lunch/dinner. I never eat breakfast, I never did even when I was younger. It makes me feel sick. I am quite happy with my black coffee, thank you.

After reading and then re-reading all of my thinspo books, I decided I needed to add to my collection. "Anorexia: A stranger in the family" by Katie Metcalfe dropped through the front day today and I'm already halfway through. It's one of the better ones. She even included pictures of herself at her lowest weight, how thoughtful and considerate!

The weather has been beautiful the past few days, so I'm hoping it sticks around for tomorrow as it's my day off. Nice weather = great exercise opportunities. I could literally spend the entire day at one of the big parks walking and jogging with the dog. No one would suspect untoward in that. Let's just hope the friend doesn't try and drag me out for lunch again!

Any excuse to get out the house is good anyway because, get this : My mum took my Dad back.
She took him back!!
I don't think I can even put into words how angry I am, at both of them. Him, for the obvious reasons - I haven't spoken to him since, and I don't plan on talking to him again. He has put our family through so much shit in the past, and now he's old enough to be a grandad. He needs to fucking grow up once and for all, yet he's still putting the family through shit.

And I'm furious at my Mum for taking him back. For being such a victim, for letting him get away with it, for not protecting me and my sister from what he's like. Now we are both grown up, we don't need protecting, but I can't help but be pissed off that she didn't sort her fucking life out and get rid of him when we were kids.


I really think my Dad has contributed a lot to my eating "issues".

It really fucks me off that I haven't had a chance to update properly over the past two days. I have been insanely busy at work, which is the only place I can update because my laptop is broken.

Ugh.

Well I messed up today - I had porridge at breakfast, salad at lunch, and a piece of chicken with peppers at dinner. I'm trying to calm myself down and say that's normal, that's healthy! but IT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH. I blame it on the fact that I came on my period today which always makes me ravenous. Fat whore, horrible body, let's my down again.

I won't let myself get too upset over it. I need to remind myself that It can be fixed - I am still on my journey to perfection. I can't let my not eating (or eating) get on top of me - I need to keep focused and positive and keep my eye on the prize.

I plan to burn it off on a long long run tomorrow. It's my day off but I'll be up early, I have to get that run in to make up for today, plus see an old friend, plus view a flat.

I logged on today and see I have two followers :)


I'll be back on Saturday and I will post a long detailed update.

So much has happened.

I can't write about it at the moment. I need to process it all in my head first.

Fucking life.
As soon as I get my raise, that's it I'm moving out.
Never wanted to come back in the first place.
Circumstances.

Well...I've lost 3 pounds in 5 days. Mmmm. Not enough for my liking.
I know I should kick it up a notch and go for a marathon run tonight but I'm just so emotionally drained, I don't think I have the energy.
All I've been managing is 50 sit ups, 50 reps and 50 leg lifts a night. PATHETIC. Not good enough.

Yesturday I ate salad and a pice of soya and linseed bread @ 5pm.

I'm fasting today.

Fat whore.

I'm off on Thursday. Saltwater flush.

Hello darkness, my old friend
I've come to talk with you again
Because a vision softly creeping,
Left its seeds while I was sleeping
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains

Well the shit well and truly hit the fan last night.

Of all nights over the past few days why did my Mum choose that one to confront him about the affair? There I was, drinking vodka lemonade with my friends in the club and looking like a whale in my new dress. Then I get a call from Mum saying that they had a huge fight, and he wouldn't leave. So I had to jump into a cab and rush over there.

My big night out lasted an hour.

I ended up also having a massive argument with my Dad and pushing him out the front door. I was trying to keep my cool, I really was, but he made me so god damn angry. He kept denying it and acting the innocent victim which made my blood boil because I saw the evidence. Does he think I'm fucking stupid or something?!

He came crawling back this morning and was promptly chucked out again.
My mum is trying to be strong but I can tell she's heartbroken. I don't know what to do. She's like a lost child and I don't know how I can make her feel better.

After he left this morning I had a secret cry to myself, the first since I found out about the affair. This is going to sounds strange, but I felt sorry for him. Of course I'm fucking furious with him and I'm glad his out. But at the same time, he's still my Dad and too see him reduced to tears this morning and carrying one of my shopper bags filled with his stuff really got to me.

I know he deserves it and it's his fault so I don't know why that upset me.

It's all wrong and..horrible. That's such a juvenile word but it's the only way I can really describe it. Just horrible. These next few months are going to be really tough, as if I didn't have enough on my plate with work. I thought I was exhausted already but It's going to get worse. There's fuck all I can do except get on with it and try my best to be there for my mum.

The show must go on.

I wish my sister was living in this country so I didn't have to deal with my fucked up family alone.

The early bird catches the worm..

..But doesn't eat it.


Up bright and early for work this morning.
Strip off, step on the scales, hold my breath waiting for the needle to settle.
I've lost two pounds in two days!

It's not amazing but it's a starting point.

Breakfast today - A black coffee.
It's a friends birthday party tonight. Another friend is picking me up from work to go dress shopping. Urgh. I hope I can find something that I don't look too horrific in.
I hope she doesn't want to go for Lunch. She probably will. I have to be careful with her - she's always suspicious of my eating. She won't let me blag it by saying I had a huge breakfast. If she insists then I'll have soup but I really don't want to do that because I had already planned on eating a baked potato before I go out tonight. That's because I plan on drinking tonight (Vodka and diet lemonade) and If i don't eat something stodgy I'll be drunk after 5 minutes and too lightheaded to hit the dance floor.

I can't wait until I reach the point again that my body is so used to going without food that it doesn't go into a tizzy when I skip a meal.

I bet someone will stumble across this blog and be shocked at my twisted way of thinking. I suppose this is no way to live but...and this is awful..I want to. I want to live like this. I have to live like this. I know deep down that it's terrible and I've already done so much damage to my body.

How can I explain to anybody that what could kill me feels like its saving me?

The only good thing about yesterdays car crash - my boss said I could leave at 12 o'clock today instead of 4pm. To "get my neck checked out". Pah. I've dosed myself up on painkillers and I'll be going straight to the shopping center. What she doesn't know won't kill her. I'd feel guilty if I hadn't done 16 hours overtime last week and didn't get paid for it.

Here's hoping I can burn enough calories on the dance floor tonight to be down another pound tomorrow. I doubt it. Between the possible soup lunch, baked potato dinner and my drinking binge tonight, I don't see how I could lose. God forbid..I might even put on a pound. Ok, definitely no lunch, no matter what the friend says. And I'm downsizing that Jacket potato to a bowl of special K.

Usually I would just cut out the alcohol but after the week I've had, I want it. I want to escape from myself tonight.

Bad things always happen in three's

Last night one of our neighbours died

This morning I found out my Dad is having an affair and had to be the one to tell my Mum about it

On the way to work I was in a car accident, have whiplash, yet still had to come to work until 10pm because there is no one to cover me

All in all a pretty shit day so far.

Its 5pm, I had special K for breakfast and black coffee when I got to work. I'm not hungry. I won't bother eating for the rest of the day.

I just want to hide in my bed...or get ridiculously drunk.

Welcome to my world.

First post.
It feels lonely here. That may sound like a strange way to describe a blog, but it's true. I had a blog on Xanga before - I can't go on that anymore. Over my year of blogging with Xanga I built up a good network of friends. A good network of support. Now I have to start all over again.

Where to start - I suppose at the beginning? That's what they say, isn't it? Only I don't know where the beginning is. A little about me then... I'm 19. I'm female. I live near London. I won't give you specifics because I won't run the risk of anyone I know finding out about this. I started starving myself a year ago. Two months back I attempted suicide. I had therapy and started to eat again. For the past two weeks I have found myself surfing for pro-ana sites, reading over old ana books, contemplating "what if I don't eat tomorrow.."

And so I'm back, I'm more determined than ever and I'm pretty disgusted that I let myself get so fat. I'm also excited. Game on.

Like most people, I was thoroughly inspired by sister blog "dying to be thin" by ana regzig. I noted how many wanarexic blogs popped up, badly written and abandoned after a couple of weeks. I also know that there are other bloggers out there, real people with real issues. I read them when I'm so hungry I can't think of anything but food, and they save me from myself because I know I'm not alone.

I do not write to be funny or inspiring.
I cannot promise every entry will be entertaining and perfectly punctuated.
Mostly I just write the ramblings in my head, which make no sense to me so are bound to make no sense to you.
At least I know what I write is real, and I write it more for myself than for others.
If there is someone reading this now, and they decide they will follow my blog entries, I am humbled. If not then that's also fine.

Pleasantries out the way.

I eased myself back in gently today. I know straight out starving for days on end won't do anything but fuck up my metabolism. My excitement at starting out again makes me want to act irrational and do a thousand sit ups a day with nothing but an ice cube but I am reminding myself that I have to do this properly, follow the rules.
I had special K and skimmed milk for breakfast. For dinner, tuna salad. Made with onion, cucumber, sweetcorn, tinned tuna and lots of pepper. In between I have been chugging water and I had a coffee. I take my coffee black with two sugars - I suppose everyone has a guilty pleasure ;)

I think in the back of my mind I knew I would start this up again before I had actually decided too. I went shopping the other day and ended up in boots, stocking up on vitamins. Garlic and cinnamon, natural fat burners. Multivits, iron, zinc, selenium, cod liver oil. Help keep my strength up when I'm fasting.

Ahhh, fasting. How I can't wait to get stuck into my first one. Have to take it easy, start it as just one day, water and black coffee only. See how it goes. Bump it up to two days the week after. So on and so forth. Sit up's. Reps. Run. Leg lifts. Are you hungry? Me, no. Smile and act normal. Don't let them know. Light head, weak knees, feels like I'm floating. My little secret. I can't wait to get that feeling again. I need it. Give me my high, let me know I'm winning, make me keep going.


Let the games begin.