Welcome to my world.

First post.
It feels lonely here. That may sound like a strange way to describe a blog, but it's true. I had a blog on Xanga before - I can't go on that anymore. Over my year of blogging with Xanga I built up a good network of friends. A good network of support. Now I have to start all over again.

Where to start - I suppose at the beginning? That's what they say, isn't it? Only I don't know where the beginning is. A little about me then... I'm 19. I'm female. I live near London. I won't give you specifics because I won't run the risk of anyone I know finding out about this. I started starving myself a year ago. Two months back I attempted suicide. I had therapy and started to eat again. For the past two weeks I have found myself surfing for pro-ana sites, reading over old ana books, contemplating "what if I don't eat tomorrow.."

And so I'm back, I'm more determined than ever and I'm pretty disgusted that I let myself get so fat. I'm also excited. Game on.

Like most people, I was thoroughly inspired by sister blog "dying to be thin" by ana regzig. I noted how many wanarexic blogs popped up, badly written and abandoned after a couple of weeks. I also know that there are other bloggers out there, real people with real issues. I read them when I'm so hungry I can't think of anything but food, and they save me from myself because I know I'm not alone.

I do not write to be funny or inspiring.
I cannot promise every entry will be entertaining and perfectly punctuated.
Mostly I just write the ramblings in my head, which make no sense to me so are bound to make no sense to you.
At least I know what I write is real, and I write it more for myself than for others.
If there is someone reading this now, and they decide they will follow my blog entries, I am humbled. If not then that's also fine.

Pleasantries out the way.

I eased myself back in gently today. I know straight out starving for days on end won't do anything but fuck up my metabolism. My excitement at starting out again makes me want to act irrational and do a thousand sit ups a day with nothing but an ice cube but I am reminding myself that I have to do this properly, follow the rules.
I had special K and skimmed milk for breakfast. For dinner, tuna salad. Made with onion, cucumber, sweetcorn, tinned tuna and lots of pepper. In between I have been chugging water and I had a coffee. I take my coffee black with two sugars - I suppose everyone has a guilty pleasure ;)

I think in the back of my mind I knew I would start this up again before I had actually decided too. I went shopping the other day and ended up in boots, stocking up on vitamins. Garlic and cinnamon, natural fat burners. Multivits, iron, zinc, selenium, cod liver oil. Help keep my strength up when I'm fasting.

Ahhh, fasting. How I can't wait to get stuck into my first one. Have to take it easy, start it as just one day, water and black coffee only. See how it goes. Bump it up to two days the week after. So on and so forth. Sit up's. Reps. Run. Leg lifts. Are you hungry? Me, no. Smile and act normal. Don't let them know. Light head, weak knees, feels like I'm floating. My little secret. I can't wait to get that feeling again. I need it. Give me my high, let me know I'm winning, make me keep going.


Let the games begin.