The early bird catches the worm..

..But doesn't eat it.


Up bright and early for work this morning.
Strip off, step on the scales, hold my breath waiting for the needle to settle.
I've lost two pounds in two days!

It's not amazing but it's a starting point.

Breakfast today - A black coffee.
It's a friends birthday party tonight. Another friend is picking me up from work to go dress shopping. Urgh. I hope I can find something that I don't look too horrific in.
I hope she doesn't want to go for Lunch. She probably will. I have to be careful with her - she's always suspicious of my eating. She won't let me blag it by saying I had a huge breakfast. If she insists then I'll have soup but I really don't want to do that because I had already planned on eating a baked potato before I go out tonight. That's because I plan on drinking tonight (Vodka and diet lemonade) and If i don't eat something stodgy I'll be drunk after 5 minutes and too lightheaded to hit the dance floor.

I can't wait until I reach the point again that my body is so used to going without food that it doesn't go into a tizzy when I skip a meal.

I bet someone will stumble across this blog and be shocked at my twisted way of thinking. I suppose this is no way to live but...and this is awful..I want to. I want to live like this. I have to live like this. I know deep down that it's terrible and I've already done so much damage to my body.

How can I explain to anybody that what could kill me feels like its saving me?

The only good thing about yesterdays car crash - my boss said I could leave at 12 o'clock today instead of 4pm. To "get my neck checked out". Pah. I've dosed myself up on painkillers and I'll be going straight to the shopping center. What she doesn't know won't kill her. I'd feel guilty if I hadn't done 16 hours overtime last week and didn't get paid for it.

Here's hoping I can burn enough calories on the dance floor tonight to be down another pound tomorrow. I doubt it. Between the possible soup lunch, baked potato dinner and my drinking binge tonight, I don't see how I could lose. God forbid..I might even put on a pound. Ok, definitely no lunch, no matter what the friend says. And I'm downsizing that Jacket potato to a bowl of special K.

Usually I would just cut out the alcohol but after the week I've had, I want it. I want to escape from myself tonight.